How can it be that you don't realize that that is how I've seen you? That's how I've always seen you, Nicki.
Your light is why the darkness drags you under, why it affects you so much. You feel it so much more. Without you, where would I be? Alone in that cold and barren place.
Oh, my darling, there are times when you make it so difficult not to forgive you.
But look around you, Lelio. You're as alone as I am in that very cold and barren place, are you not? And this is where we'll both remain, eternally. You made sure of that.
And why shouldn't I? Why shouldn't I use this gift and bask in all the pain and beauty and pleasures of it? You condemn me as if I had a choice! I was happy in another life, in that theater with you, making art, listening to your music and sharing that room. I would have been content with our life but even then, you were pulling away, putting up walls and sinking into the darkness. I was never going to be enough, my dearest Nicki. You act as if I stole all your happiness, but it was gone long before what transpired between us.
and you wouldn't have been content, Lestat. You haven't been content for so much as a day in your overlong life and you never will be
Of the two of us, you are the only one who had a choice. You chose to rob us both of the simple beauty we had with our frustrating, imperfect, achingly short mortal lives. And now we're trapped, forever striving for an unattainable ideal that will never live up to the fucking fantasy OR the life we already had our chance to live.
I'm sorry that I couldn't be happy like you wanted while we were together. But while I was sinking into my own despair, I never so much as thought to ask for more than the one life I had with you. That was contentment. The mortal, human kind.
You were not content, Nicolas. You know that's a lie. The only time you were ever content was when we were both poor and struggling. When I finally got on stage, finally got to do what we went to Paris for, you couldn't handle that. You wanted to pull me down into your despair so we would both suffer.
You're right about one thing. I never should have turned you. I never should have given you the gift. I was selfish. I wanted to be together. I wanted to share this with you. So many nights I longed for you, I couldn't bear to lose you. I will regret it the rest of my life.
And I never should have left you with him. I couldn't stand your deafening silence or the looks of disgust and hatred on your face. I have wrong you in many ways, Nicki and for that I am sorry. Maybe you're right, maybe I'm doomed to a life of discontentment and suffering, but I won't stop trying. Another difference between us.
I'd be ashes if not for him saving just enough of my discarded pieces to allow us the delightful exchange we're having right now.
I never needed to be content, Lestat, difficult as that seems to be for you to believe. I wanted the life with you, with every flaw and disappointment included. So how tragically ironic that life is the one experience neither one of us will ever have now.
Poetic enough I could almost pick up my violin again.
Another cruel gift from the gremlin himself, then; to deny you an end to your suffering just to punish; to allow you to return to seek your deserved vengeance from me. He would have known the depth of your hatred for me at the end.
You speak as if I had a choice; as if you weren't there the night I was forcibly taken from our room. I think I have mourned you every night since.
Then pick it up! You lament over a life you cannot return to. Embrace the one you have.
Do you use terms of endearment to mock me? If I'm just a mad man raving to a ghost, then I'm afraid you won't get much satisfaction haunting me.
You read it! You don't like that I included you? I never thought-
If I had known, I would have sent you a signed copy.
[Deflecting is easier than facing the maelstrom of emotions threatening to pull him down into the depths at the simple realization that Nicki read his story.]
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devilsfiddler) wrote2016-12-30 02:21 am
no subject
After everything, you still believe that it was I who carried the light into our world?
no subject
Your light is why the darkness drags you under, why it affects you so much. You feel it so much more. Without you, where would I be? Alone in that cold and barren place.
no subject
But look around you, Lelio. You're as alone as I am in that very cold and barren place, are you not? And this is where we'll both remain, eternally. You made sure of that.
no subject
Maybe so, but it doesn't have to be that way. This gift, this dark gift can be beautiful. The shackles are gone. Don't you see?
no subject
If you can keep convincing yourself of that for another two hundred years, amor, I honestly hope that you do.
no subject
And why shouldn't I? Why shouldn't I use this gift and bask in all the pain and beauty and pleasures of it? You condemn me as if I had a choice! I was happy in another life, in that theater with you, making art, listening to your music and sharing that room. I would have been content with our life but even then, you were pulling away, putting up walls and sinking into the darkness. I was never going to be enough, my dearest Nicki. You act as if I stole all your happiness, but it was gone long before what transpired between us.
no subject
and you wouldn't have been content, Lestat. You haven't been content for so much as a day in your overlong life and you never will be
Of the two of us, you are the only one who had a choice. You chose to rob us both of the simple beauty we had with our frustrating, imperfect, achingly short mortal lives. And now we're trapped, forever striving for an unattainable ideal that will never live up to the fucking fantasy OR the life we already had our chance to live.
I'm sorry that I couldn't be happy like you wanted while we were together. But while I was sinking into my own despair, I never so much as thought to ask for more than the one life I had with you. That was contentment. The mortal, human kind.
no subject
You're right about one thing. I never should have turned you. I never should have given you the gift. I was selfish. I wanted to be together. I wanted to share this with you. So many nights I longed for you, I couldn't bear to lose you. I will regret it the rest of my life.
And I never should have left you with him. I couldn't stand your deafening silence or the looks of disgust and hatred on your face. I have wrong you in many ways, Nicki and for that I am sorry. Maybe you're right, maybe I'm doomed to a life of discontentment and suffering, but I won't stop trying. Another difference between us.
oh wow i thought i replied orz
I'd be ashes if not for him saving just enough of my discarded pieces to allow us the delightful exchange we're having right now.
I never needed to be content, Lestat, difficult as that seems to be for you to believe. I wanted the life with you, with every flaw and disappointment included. So how tragically ironic that life is the one experience neither one of us will ever have now.
Poetic enough I could almost pick up my violin again.
no worries!
You speak as if I had a choice; as if you weren't there the night I was forcibly taken from our room. I think I have mourned you every night since.
Then pick it up! You lament over a life you cannot return to. Embrace the one you have.
no subject
I will.
Somehow, Lelio, I find myself relieved you're as lost and full of rage as I am.
no subject
Perhaps we will always be a pair of lost children. But I don't think our rage is alike. Then again, rage never suited either of us very well.
no subject
Am I a fool to entertain the notion that our next conversation might center on the concept of rage and how ours might never quite compare?
no subject
My beloved Nicki, we could speak for an eternity about the ways we might never quite compare. I'll entertain the notion.
I wish I could see you. To know you're not a ghost and that I'm not going completely mad.
no subject
And do please tell me you won't be writing a new narrative for publication that includes me in it. Your first book was more than enough.
[Yeah, but he was in line to buy the first copy, wasn't he?]
no subject
You read it! You don't like that I included you? I never thought-
If I had known, I would have sent you a signed copy.
[Deflecting is easier than facing the maelstrom of emotions threatening to pull him down into the depths at the simple realization that Nicki read his story.]